Beer and Other Hazards of Going Out to the Bar

RETRO POST:  Originally posted on 7/13/2008


I once heard a phrase that has stuck with me through the years. "Nothing good happens when you go out." I'm not sure where I picked it up; it may have been from the old wrestler Stan Hansen, it very well could have come from my mother. I have spent way too many of my formative years inside of a bar, so I might classify myself as some sort of expert on wasting one's life. In the last 7+ years I have realized certain things.

Like the quote says, nothing good happens when you go to the bar. All you are going to do is spend money that would be better spent elsewhere. It may seem like a blast at the time, but never are you going to wake up the next morning, feeling like there is a pick axe in your skull, thinking that was really worth spending $50. When I first turned 21, I would cash my paycheck on Friday afternoon and then shortly thereafter adjorn to Emerson's Pub with College Boy. I knew how exactly much money I could spend and still pay my bills. Despite being armed with this knowledge, before I knew it (around 1:22AM) I would be pulling out that next twenty that was part of the car payment to buy the next round of Rolling Rocks. I would put bills off for the next week(s) just to have another bottle of irresponsibility. Surely everyone has made that pledge, "I'll just have 2 or 3 and call it a night." But once the music hits, a fight breaks out, or someone quizzes you on the greatest quarterback of all time (it's Tom Brady and for the love of Christ I will not argue this), it all goes out the window. The booze hits and you realize that it's either hang out or go home and look at internet porn.

Going out to the bar with the people you work with is one of the bigger mistakes you can make. The problems you will run into are limitless. Someone is going to get drunk and rip into a coworker even though it's a lock that it will get back to them the very next work day. Two slammed coworkers, who under any other circumstances would never look at each other, are going to hook up. Someone is going to leave early and not pay their share of the tab. No one seems to realize that they all have to work within the same four walls. The following Monday those people are going to be embarrassed, pissed off, or worse, pregnant. Whatever the case, alot of people are going to be walking around with their heads down.

The very idea of picking up a girl at a bar is just plain nonsense. Maybe I am jaded because I hang out in bars in Lancaster County, but the pickings are slim. If you talk to a girl at the bar she most likely will fall into 3 categories: She wants either a cigarette or a drink; she's already drunk out of her mind; or she has a boyfriend and is oblivious to the notion that she might be leading a guy on. I've seen it happen a million times. Buying a drink for a girl is about one of the dumbest things you can ever do as a guy. It's never been proven to work. She'll take it, and alot more if you are willing but don't expect a phone number in return. You can read more about this type of behavior on page 947 of the book All Women, Until Proven Otherwise, Should be Considered Crazy at All Times. Granted, all men know these things, but once again as soon as the music hits and you get a few in you, all men become a little crazy as well. If you're lucky you will just run into a guy who is there to have a good time and not cause a ruckus. But odds are you won't run into many of them. The rest fall into 3 categories as well: The guy who drinks entirely too much and becomes a threat to fall into you, spill a drink on you or throw up on you; The guy who becomes Hulk Hogan after 12 beers and is a threat to punch your lights out based just on your favorite sports team ; or the guy who hits on your girlfriend when you are in the bathroom. Leaving your girlfriend alone in a bar is one of the dumbest things you can do as a guy. Basically if a guy walks into a bar with a hot girlfriend and is wearing a Tom Brady jersey he has become the biggest target in the room.

With these factors in mind, not to mention the various effects of receiving a DUI, it's a wonder anyone goes out to the bar. Sitting at home on a Saturday night watching 48 Hours Mystery might seem a little boring, but there's virtually no chance that someone is going to stop by your house, kiss your girlfriend, punch you in the face, and steal 40$ from your wallet all because you are a Patriots fan. On second thought, if you have any more questions i'll be at the Trio--I'm pretty sure College Boy knows where I live.